TRUST

This is a big topic, and books, let alone blogs can be written about this. What I want to talk about in this blog is my trust in men as a woman, this is a topic that is continuously arising for me.

Interestingly my ego tells me not to speak up, not to share my truth, that my story is childish, stupid, that I am the only one that feels like that, that most other women have it more together, that I will get judged and laughed at by others if I speak up and just writing this makes me feel sad and I feel tears wanting to move through me and tension in my body. The deeper I go into myself meeting the truth of who I am the more I can feel and hear the whispers of spirit guiding me, it could be messages from a book telling me it is time to rise, to stand up and speak, or during a breathwork session where I am guided step by step. Recently I was told that spirit speaks through my voice and it’s time to share it, share it all!! 

So I am finding myself drawn towards a community where I can be authentically myself. A space that holds and accepts me in all my light and darkness. A space where we come together to see ourselves and support each other moving forward despite the mess that we are and have maybe left behind us! A place where we can learn to care for ourselves first and learn what our boundaries and limits are. How to embody and feel more so that we can reduce the numbness of emotions that most of us have needed to protect ourselves. 

Women come to me and tell me stories of men overstepping their boundaries and when I listen to the stories from the other side I can see the confusion and how often these men feel “set up” by women. I imagine both parties are projecting their wounding onto the other and they both want to shoot the messenger.

I have an amazing male teacher who I felt that I totally trusted. However if I started digging a little I noticed there were some doubts, questions, what if, did he, he feels a bit dangerous. I had done quite a bit of training with him but didn’t feel called to take it to the next level. It wasn’t a full yes so I respected that, however when things started revealing itself to me I could see that I was testing him and not consciously aware of it. Part of me was wanting him to try and persuade me to join and if he had I imagine I would have felt pushed and it would actually have done the opposite to what I thought I wanted. Reminding me of my father putting himself and what was best for him first I would have felt the same about my male teacher, ie he wants me there for his benefit (income). He didn’t though, not at all, didn’t even say that he wanted me there (bastard lol), he let me make the decision that was right for ME! I also notice that I want him to tell me how great I am and what a good job I am doing (like my dad never did). He doesn’t, what he does is accept me and all that I am and holds me in that, I am noticing tears and emotions arise when writing this. And he does share what he sees as my strengths with me. I see much more clearly now how I am reflecting and projecting based on my unintegrated emotional conditioning. 

I notice, in my interactions with a man that I am exploring with, that him not willing to commit to seeing me because a lot is going on for him at the moment makes me feel angry, sad and rejected. Feeling deeper into that I notice I am wanting him to override his needs to put me first, to prioritise us meeting, to prioritise me. I sense there is also something in there around me being worthy of being a priority to someone else. It is so interesting to explore and feel into what lies beneath an initial response, there is so much gold here and a space where I can start to trust myself.

I explored some beautiful touch today with a guy. We both reached orgasmic states of pleasure through touching each other, it felt extremely beautiful as my body was getting more aroused and the energy moving though me was amazing. We were both naked and when we moved into a position where our genitals got close to each other I could feel myself shutting down and going in to the unsafe side of my nervous system. I knew a part of me was scared that he would penetrate me. I communicated this and he reassured me that he wouldn’t but I could still feel that little doubt, I wasn’t trusting 100%. The day after during connected breathing I  noticed that what I wanted during our interaction was for it to be all about me and not about him and his needs at all, that wounded girl in me that wants the other to give me all the attention and not focus on himself. 

Speaking and communicating what is arising for me helps me feel safe. These days the guys that enter my life don’t overstep my boundaries, they respect and hold space for me, not because they have become more trustworthy but because I have done the inner work to heal those wounds within myself. And the job is never done, it is a continuous journey of going deeper. I now see that it’s not even about trusting others, it’s about trusting myself. Trusting that I can speak up and say no, stop, pause, I need to talk, whatever it is that I am feeling in that moment. Lets’ not shoot the messenger, let’s rise together.

If you want to join a conscious community to explore and grow in a safe held container look up somaticconsent.com. If you want to explore with me get in touch.