Most of us know that whatever is happening outside us is a reflection of within. We may consciously want something however keep attracting something different. This is because we are unconsciously attracting what we actually need (not want) to become whole. Not that we are broken, we just all have unintegrated emotions, it is part of being human and why we are here.
I had a conversation with my teacher (male) and another women. We talked about parenting and in particular about being a mother. I noticed that I had judgements about my teacher physically leaving his children at an early age. I shared this which felt vulnerable and scary and at the same time I knew he could hold that space for me. I knew it was all a refection of my own experience with my father and the fathers of my children. I know how I, in the past, have unconsciously chosen fathers for my children that are not present just like my own. The fact that I was judging him was a lesson for me that I have more work to do there, something for me to sit with and feel into.
I am realising that I am still allowing men into my life that give me crumbs. Those crumbs are very very tasty and my imagination is telling me that those crumbs may turn into a beautiful cake one day and that I don’t really want a cake, I am so happy with just receiving crumbs when they are available. And deep deep down there is a whisper that keeps telling me I am kidding myself, but I don’t want to listen. Sunday night during a breathwork session I was summoned to listen. I was told that these relationships were reflecting my not good enough wound and as long as I allowed them to be there there was no way of letting anyone in who would reflect that I am actually enough. That I am worthy of all the cakes that I want, that I am worthy of someone in my life who wants the same as me and is willing to show up. So I am closing the doors that don’t serve me and leaving the front door open for
A conscious partnership that illuminates our darkness inside and brings it to the light of consciousness so we both can grow.
A space that we create for each other, held in safety and trust, which allows us to go deep and look within, to create something consciously.
It can be full of ecstasy and pleasure and heart-opening experiences and it can be very uncomfortable because we are helping each other evolve.
A union that touches not only us but also our families, friends, communities and the earth.
A partnership that is grounded in safety, co-regulation and intimacy and and the same time is Divine, by bringing the Divine deeper into our bodies and into the earth.
We are both committed to doing our inner work and making the unconscious conscious.
Every challenge is an opportunity to get to know ourselves better and deepen into Love.
We may trigger each other but it is always in a safe container. A safe space is key.
No one is made to be “wrong” or needs “fixing”.
Today a friend rang me at the agreed time. Within less than 5 minutes she said, got another call let me put you on hold and she did. I stayed with the intermittent beeping noticing how that made me feel. Within a very short amount of time I was feeling a lot of sensations in my body, I noticed anger arise and wanting to go into stories and blame her. I kept returning to my feelings knowing that this was a unique opportunity for me to look at my unintegrated emotions. I kept feeling and remembering, I had often felt like this when I felt that I wasn’t prioritised, when other people were more important than me. I kept moving away from the story and into the feeling. I am not quite sure where I went, I imagine back to a time where I didn’t have the capacity to make a story about anything, when I just felt. I imagine no matter how good a job our parents did there will always be this feeling of going along with what is happening with us and making ourselves “fit in” to survive, a feeling of what they do is more important than how I feel. I find myself returning to that feeling again and again and notice the anger and grief that is still there. This was not about her putting me on hold, it was about me remembering that feeling. I made a conscious choice to hang up after about 12 minutes, she rang me not long after and I chose to answer the call. She apologised and I said no need to, it has been very interesting for me, it gave me the opportunity to feel myself which I do a lot these days. After sharing a bit of more feelings that had happened in my life she told me that when I reached 60 I wouldn’t give a fuck. I am still sitting with that statement because it triggered a few things in me, the first was a feeling of when I reach that place it is better than where I am now, ie what I am feeling now is not “right” or “good enough”, which I can see is reflecting my not good enough wound. Then there is a desire to want to “wrong” her ie you are more shut down than me, it’s good to feel, you need to feel to heal, bla bla bla and there is anger in that charge. Now feeling into that there is sadness and beneath that there is peace. I also feel in my heart that I want to give a fuck, I want to give lots of fucking fucks. My journey is about giving fucks and owning them, returning to the root cause of where they come from and I am noticing that writing this is making me cry because my heart knows this is where I need to return to.
What is your reflecting? What is it teaching you about yourself?
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