I had a realisation this morning about myself and I therefore imagine that many others will experience the same even though they may not yet be conscious of it. And we are all different so this may not be the case for others.
There is a direct correlation between my self worth and the expansive orgasmic pleasure I experience. This is connected to my feeling of safety.
Contractive orgasmic states are different from expansive orgasmic states. Contractive based, as the name applies, is created by contacting while moving towards pleasure, often we stop breathing and the focus is to orgasm. This can be a clitoral orgasm or an orgasm from internal stimulation ie g-spot, p-spot, a-spot or anal. After a peak there is a loss of energy and it can take time to build it again.
Expansive orgasmic states are different which I am still exploring and therefore don’t have all the answers embodied but some of what I have experienced so far is: There is no beginning or end, I am always in a state or orgasmic bliss, all I need is my breath, sexual anatomy and awareness to drop into this, I am doing it right now. When I stay with areas of pleasure and instead of stimulating, contracting and holding my breath but gently touch or hold, relax and breathe deeply, the orgasmic pleasure stays and radiates throughout my body.
If I meet areas of pain, numbness and resistance again I gently hold, relax and breathe holding myself unconditionally through my experience. But this can be sssooo difficult as I often find that a part of me wants to move towards the pleasure, doesn’t want the “bad” bits. This links into the lack of self worth. If I truly loved myself, all or myself I would be able to love unconditionally all parts that I am. Like a mother loving and holding her child when she is joyful and happy but also when she is in pain and despair. I also notice the judgements I have of myself here like I shouldn’t experience pain, numbness or shutdown. I should be feeling constant pleasure and every time I don’t it’s an indication of something being wrong with me, a feeling of being broken. Some teachers seem to have all the answers and have embodied it all, who am I to teach when I haven’t? I am a traitor. This not good enough wound is forever arising. And for good reason, it wants to be integrated!!! So giving myself time to fully feel it and stay with it unconditionally really helps me.
The thing is if I am not feeling “enough” and in any way judging myself I am in the unsafe side of my nervous system. Not quite in flight/fight mode, but in a hybrid state that stops me from being able to trust and relax. How can I trust myself if I am “saying” I am too this, not enough that…… I can’t. And if I go down that rabbit hole I have in the past often found myself going towards some peak orgasm because I wanted some form of pleasure, was feeling sorry for myself, was feeling confused and lost. I have also found myself going towards a peak orgasm if I was with someone and my body wanted to stop the interaction somehow (the body is so bloody clever, has wisdom the mind will never understand), didn’t want to go deeper with this person. I used to think it was good to have a peak contractive orgasm, that has changed for me now.
I can see that my own journey over the last 5 years has increased my self worth and also my expansive orgasmic experiences. They have evolved hand in hand, when one part awakens so does the other. The more I can accept and love every part of me, and in particular the ones that are difficult to love, the more I can trust myself and the safer I can feel in my body. The more I know my worth I don’t put up with what isn’t serving me or it falls away. I start believing that I am enough exactly as I am and that I am worthy of feeling absolute bliss. When engaging with other people I can honour how I feel from that place of authenticity, I don’t have to stop hiding the parts I don’t like, I can bring them all to the table and find a way to love them with support from whoever I am with, this feels very vulnerable and key to creating intimacy.
If you want to explore expansion instead of contraction get in touch.