I was lying in bed this morning when my dog Izzy came in. As normal she came to the side of my bed to be stroked. I was tired and needed more rest and normally I would turn away from her and she would accept this but today she was licking her mouth and I noticed that I imagined something was wrong with her, that she was feeling anxious. She has had a lot of ailments and I notice that I often find it difficult to know what do to and feel responsible for her wellbeing.
I lay onto my back with a hand on her and started to connect my breathing. I know that this always brings me to presence and helps me integrate what I am experiencing. I noticed some anxious tension in my stomach which is often there when I awake. I noticed that Izzy lay down next to me. I noticed that being young I felt responsible for my parents unhappiness, that it was my fault. I sensed that I felt responsible for not being breastfed by my mother, again that it was me that there was something wrong with. My mother is a daughter of an alcoholic father and an emotionally shut down mother, she has shared with me, and I sensed being present, that she is able to feel what is going on around her and adapt so that others achieve a specific outcome. I was taken back to being my grandmother at the age of 6 when her mother died in her arms. I experienced the blame that she took on for her mothers dying. There was a lot of emotional release and, as you can imagine, Izzy was absolutely fine, just being a beautiful mirror to me yet again, showing me what I still need to integrate.
Later in the day my daughter asked me a question and I imagine my answer triggered her as she said “I knew you would laugh”. I noticed myself wanting to make her feel different and even said something that I imagine changed what I imagined she was thinking (can you see all the imaginations here?!!!). Again I took some time to breathe into this and the same wound arose again. How I am wanting everyone to be happy and feel good so that I can relax. How it actually causes anxiety in me when others are not behaving and being in a way that fits into my beliefs. How I believe that we need to be in a certain way to everything to be “good”. My son has been in pain for over 10 years now and there is guilt around my part of that. If I had been a better mother and not so fucked up he wouldn’t have been in pain, he wouldn’t have had to be addicted to drugs for many years, he wouldn’t be this, he wouldn’t be that………. I also project this guilt onto my daughters but the stories are different.
I know consciously that I am not responsible for anyone else’s experience yet unconsciously there is still a belief that I am. I imagine it is part of my journey to integrate this wound and it may well take some time. These days I can be present with it when it arises and love and hold myself through it rather than shut it down or even be totally numb to it. Writing this I am feeling very grateful that I am able to feel so much. Often I judge myself to be the cry baby and too emotional, I also know it is one of my superpowers. It is through my emotions that I can integrate my own wounding and help clients too.