ATTACHED

I suppose in the past I thought that a divine lover would enter my life and even though there would be challenges to work through the majority of it would flow and be easy. And I suppose if I had integrated my wounds to the extent that they didn’t show up in my life that may well be the case, but I am not there yet. 

I read the book Attached recently about attachment styles (really recommend). There are 3 types secure, anxious and avoidant. Being single it was easier to think that I may well be much more secure these day, I mean I’ve done loads of work surely entering a relationship I will act more like this and that rather than what I did in previous relationships (last one ended 5 1/2 years ago and a real wakeup call to look at myself). So doing the test I came up quite high on secure, also some anxious and a few avoidant. Reading the book gave me a lot of insights into attachment theory and how it is much easier for an avoidant or an anxious to be with someone who is secure attached as the secure can support them in having their needs met. However anxious and avoidants tend to attract each other and I know that is my pattern. I could also see how I in relationships after a while became avoidant because my needs were not being met and I think in the time since my last relationship avoidance has played a part in my being. It really surprised me that more than half of the population have secure attachments!!! I obviously never come across them or when I do I am just not interested due to my attachment style. 

So divine lover has not been in my life for a little while. I was not feeling that my needs were being met, I felt that was a reflection of my not good enough wound. I wanted more than his circumstances were allowing. It felt empowering (but very difficult because he touches me in a deep way) to say no to something that didn’t feel right. Anxious people tend to put up with a lot and blame themselves, in the past I would very likely have just continued receiving the amazingly tasty crumbs that I felt I was getting. However while I was reading the book Attached he got in touch and told me his circumstances had changed and we decided to meet. He stirs something deeply inside me, I fancy him a lot, we both want the same (I imagine), I feel safe and held when I am with him and so much more. And I am frightened that what I am feeling is my attachment wound. That I “should” find someone who is secure attached who can fulfil my needs. I have a story based on something he did in the past that his attachment style is avoidant. Maybe I am wrong, maybe that’s my imagination and not the truth I suppose time will tell.

When we were together I was able to ask for what I wanted, to say pause, stop, more this, less that etc. I did not go into shutdown which I did the previous time because I gave him authority over my body. I noticed how my body could relax and open knowing that I was capable of creating that safety for myself and knowing that he would honour that. I am noticing that he does not want to control or own me and noticing that a part of me still wants that. I also imagine that if he got too close too fast I would most likely want to run a mile. 

I noticed that in our message interaction after meeting I was checking my phone to see if he had replied. I noticed that I pretended not to care and consciously didn’t check messages, when I did his was the first one I really was looking for. I noticed that I felt really ashamed about that and imagined he would not want to be with someone so needy. I took some time to be with it and breathe into it asking myself what I really needed. The answer was to own this wound and share it with him. It feels far less vulnerable to post this on my website and not know who will read this than to tell him directly. I suppose I don’t have vetted interest in you in the way I have with him. My toes are curling at the thought of him reading this. I think I will tell him before posting. The other answer was that I do not need him to respond to my messages within 30 seconds but I do need to be with my wound and I do need to have my needs met in our relating. 

So divine lover is showing me myself. He is the most amazing mirror. He shows me my darkness and also my light. I see such strength, beauty and vulnerability in him and I know that is within me too.