I would like to dedicate this blog to Jonathan. Thank you holding me, supporting me, nurturing
me, triggering me, serving me and much more. Thank you for making me feel safe to be authentic,
to surrender and to receive.
Many guys tell me that they are sexual givers. They love to taste and touch women, to make them
ecstatic with pleasure and watching them orgasm is the absolute ultimate. Their pleasure is in the
satisfaction of the women’s pleasure.
They are pretty horrified to realise that they are not giving at all, they are taking, which in itself it
absolutely fine, but it has a very different energy to giving. I imagine that men have been given
responsibility for women’s pleasure for quite a while now. I hear women talk about guys being
good or bad in bed, as if it is their job to satisfy us. It makes sense that maybe they have moved
from serving to taking to make it more pleasurable for them. That is exactly what I did for a period
of time when I was struggling to serve.
You can receive pleasure in 2 ways, through receiving or taking. You can give pleasure in 2 ways,
through serving (giving) or allowing. When you are taking you are touching yourself or someone
else for your pleasure and the person you are touching is allowing you to do so. When you are
receiving pleasure the person who is giving is serving you for your pleasure. I would recommend
looking at The Wheel of Consent at bettymartin.org which explains this in much more in detail.
Many of my clients are in sexless relationships and I am asking myself could this contribute to the
fact that many women have shut down sexually? If they are being taken from rather than served,
even though it is pleasurable for them, what does it actually do? Seeing as I am a great guinea pig
for women I decided to explore how I could get guys and women to serve me!
I asked Jonathan: How do I get guys to serve women? Before he responded the answer came to
me: women need to be able to receive, there is no way we can be served if we don’t let it in! So
it’s actually got nothing to do with you and all to do with me! I should have seen this one coming
as in my head I know it’s always about me, others are just amplifying my darkness and light.
The art of receiving is not just for women, I have met many men that also struggle to receive.
However because the female is the receptive in tantric love making the more receptive she
becomes, the more this enables a man to give more easily. This receptivity welcomes space for
his energy to flow from his being, he is invited and received, so in this sense woman have much
more power in sex.
I started leaning into receiving and that isn’t easy. To receive I have to feel safe and heard and I
need to know exactly what I want, I need to own ALL my desires and be able to ask for them to
be met. One of the reasons it has been difficult for me to ask is because I didn’t feel enough, I
didn’t feel worthy of my needs being met, I felt that others were more important than me and they
wouldn’t like me if it became more about me than them. Shame is also huge in this arena, if we
have desires we feel shame around and don’t feel we can express them and lean into these, we
end up living in our shadows. To truly let in we need to be authentic and so does the person we
are letting in.
I believe that we have lost touch with what our bodies really want and give the responsibly to
healers, teachers, lovers etc. The first thing we need to do in learning to receive is tapping into
what we desire. I imagine some women want to have a cup of tea made for them or maybe some
flowers bought and no pressure to have to do anything in return. I felt (and still do) that if someone
gives to me I have to give something back. No I don’t have to give anything back I just have to be
clear what I want, enjoy and receive, I am worthy of just receiving.
Last week I received the most beautiful healing session from my friend, she held me, touched me
and gave me from her heart. I communicated exactly what I wanted before but also during the
session. I received everything I wanted without giving anything in return. It was so beautiful for
both of us.
If you feel that you are giving and not receiving enough in any area of your life, the answers lie
within in. If you need support to explore I can help.
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